Long ago, when I was but a lad, Donnie and Marie Osmond had a talk show (Who thought that was a good idea? I guess it was during the reign of Rosie O'Donnell as Queen of Nice and I supposed that TV execs expected the Osmonds to out nice her.) Once I happened upon the show when they were interviewing Teri Garr. Donnie mentioned that he was a fan of Young Frankenstein, particularly her "roll in the hay" bit. Donnie then asked Teri Garr if she didn't want to roll in the hay with him. This is how I wish that the interview had gone...
DONNIE: Welcome back, we're talking to our guest, Teri Garr. And you know, Teri? I'm a big fan of Young Frankenstein. Especially that bit you did at the beginning, you know? "Rrrrolll, rrrrrolllll, rrrrolll in ze hay!" Wanna have a roll in the hay with me right now?
GARR [laughing]: You -- you know what that means, right?
DONNIE: Sure, you know, you were in the wagon full of hay and you were just rolling around like [Donnie mimes rolling while he sings] "Rrrrrolllll, rrrrrollllll, rrrrrolllll in ze hay!"
GARR: Well, yeah, but you know --
DONNIE: Uh, no, not really...
GARR: Oh, gee, uh...well, you see...um...
[Marie leans over and whispers to Donnie]
DONNIE: Wait, what? ...
[Marie gestures frantically while whispering to Donnie]
DONNIE: So, like, two...two meanings?
[Teri Garr nods.]
DONNIE: And you knew about this?
GARR: Well, yeah. I mean, everyone --
DONNIE: Not everyone! We don't ALL go to your dirty, Hollywood sex parties!
[Teri Garr looks away in shame]
DONNIE: And is that the only one? Was there more of your "double nontundras" in Young Frankenstein? Was there? Let me guess, every time the monster was like, "Nnnnnggggghhhh!" Let me guess, that means something to you and your dirty minded friends? Right? Right?!?
[Teri Garr still won't make eye contact]
GARR: No, no...it was just, you know, Frankenstein monster noises...
DONNIE: Well, they're telling me that we're out of time and none too soon. Please join us next time, hopefully we won't have to deal with any of this again...Our guest is going to be Honor Blackman, the unforgettable Bond girl from Goldfinger: Pu--
[Marie grabs Donnie by the shoulder and begins whispering into his ear. Donnie's jaw drops. He stands up, rips his note cards, and throws them down.]
DONNIE: You people are sick. You should be ashamed.
[Donnie marches off the set as the credits roll.]
Aaron Rowley received his BA from Ronnie Milsaps College, where he qualified for the Almost Like a Song scholarship for having a life that most resembled a country song. He graduated sine laude.
Aaron now lives in Mississippi with his wife in a home he has taken to calling Xanadu, where he is effectively cut off from the rest of humanity allowing him the peace of mind to comment on society's ills and argue vociferously for war with the Spanish.
Aaron's other works include The Best Short Story Ever, The Best Short Story Ever Part 2: Die Harder, and The Great American Novel, which is slated to be published to great acclaim after his death. His works can often be found on his computer's hard drive and on the illustrious pages of his notebook.
The worst part of having a story accepted is that they always want me to write a short bio for them.
I understand that this should not be difficult since I'm pretending to be a writer at the time and I am familiar with myself and my works.
The problem is that my bios are boring. If I really were that interesting, I would have written a proper biography, not one that can be contained in 100 words. And if I were interesting, I would be out doing stuff instead of writing about imaginary people who do interesting things.
Besides, bios, even of interesting people, are boring. Have you seen those A&E Biographies? Those things take the most interesting people you can think of and somehow make you sick of hearing about them in less than an hour.
Why are they making me write a bio? Who's going to read it? Do they just feel obligated to include it? Is it like all those blurbs and black and white pictures they have on book jackets? Those are such a waste. You know, they should save the printing cost of that and just include more story...I mean, that's why I got the book in the first place. I didn't get the book to see what the author looks like in some classy tableau.
I am intrigued by the new show Kings which is a modernized version of the story of David. I also assume that others will want to cash in on the bible story crazy so I would like to copyright mine...
Job -- Half an hour of a man being beaten every week. It's like Fear Factor but with only one contestant.
Sodom and Gomorrah -- The host travels around the world to the sleeziest places the producers can find. At the end of the season, the host awards one lucky city the title of Most Deserving of God's Wrath.
Jonah -- A sit-com about a single Hebrew prophet who gets a new roommate in the belly of a whale. The twist: he's an Assyrian! Hilarity ensues.
Revelation -- 10 film school students compete to create a surrealistic, experimental film which symbolically depicts the end of the world. The winner is the one who spawns the most suicidal cults.
Samson -- A decorated war veteran works with his girlfriend to overcome his heroin addiction and his fear of barbers.
King Solomon -- A judge decides small claims court cases through threats of violence against children.
Daniel -- A street-wise kid from Jerusalem is adopted by the king of Babylon. At the end of season one, Daniel's mom goes into rehab, Daniel's friends are thrown into a fiery furnace for not worshiping the king of Babylon, and Daniel totally hooks up with Marissa.
Moses -- The President's half-brother returns from an extended stay in the Middle East. He claims to represent God and threatens to infect the President's son with anthrax. Moses is then killed by Jack Bauer.
Esther -- Former Bachelor winners compete to see who can convince her husband to kill his personal assistant.
Tower of Babel -- 4 teams of strangers compete to build a structure tall enough to incur God's wrath. Contestants face weekly eliminations, competitions for better building supplies, and occasional language confounding.
Today I received my first payment for writing since December. I immediately spent it all in one place. My writing money purchased 2 hamburgers off the dollar menu, and 2 half-priced drinks. My writing money was not enough to cover getting no ice in the drinks...but it was enough to cover the tax.
Who says I'm not a professional writer? I'm livin' high on the one-meal-off-the-dollar-menu-every-4-months hog!
I am once again disappointed that laser tagging has little to do with using high powered light beams to leave graffiti.
-- I ate yogurt that was 3 months expired
Charlton Heston -- Are you worried that overcrowding, pollution, and habitat destruction might ruin all the great hunting for responsible gun owners? Are you concerned that your children won't have the opportunity to stand in the mountains and sight their first white tail? You can't put a price on experiences like that...But now, there's something you can do. There's a corporation with a responsible view on the future. It wants to make sure that those places will be there for your children and your children's children. This company has been recognized time and again as the greenest corporation out there.
With Christmas coming up, here is my list of great holiday gift ideas!
Recently, Sweden released their own tween vampire/mopey kid romance film, Let the Right One in. Of course, this film is much more popular among critics than Twilight was. So, yes, the acting is much better but that's only because the average Swede makes an American goth-kid look like a Candy Striper. The Swedes don't run from death, they don't fear the reaper, they play chess with him.
